WRITTEN BY: Anonymous
I remember clearly, my first ever experience of my anxiety. I was in primary 6, aged 10.
Understandably, I was nervous about my first day, but it began to get out of control. I remember tears building up, so I asked to go to the toilet, because I felt I needed to escape. After trying to calm myself, I returned to the classroom, only to feel ill again and the urge to go to the toilet. The classroom assistant took me this time as I went into a full-blown panic attack. This was my life for most of p6.
I’m not sure if I have a trigger, but I know that stress has sent me to dark places. It isn’t just stress from day to day life, its anxiety that comes with big events.
When I was only 3/4 years old, I lost my Grandma and my Great Auntie (her sister) to a cancer gene that runs in our family within 3 months of each other. My Mum had cancer at this time too.
During my time at academy, I also lost people – when my Mama (great grandma) died, I was bullied. I was 13 at the time, and I think this was my first experience with depression. At 16, I lost my Granda. This was the hardest one I had to deal with. I was depressed, grieving, I lost my appetite, I lost weight, my anxiety and panic attacks were commonplace. I stopped going to school, I didn’t do my prelim exams and I left later that year.
Since then, my mental health has not been the same.
I have played rugby since I was 15. I have loved it since my first ever session; it’s the one thing that has helped my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. The endorphins from playing isn’t the only thing that has helped, it was the people I played with and still play with too.
About 2 years ago, on my 19th birthday, is when I realised, I might need some professional help.
I was at Murrayfield for U20 trials with my Dad. Yes, I was feeling nervous, but no more nervous than I would be before a game. But, as we started some drills, I realised I was struggling to breathe, I felt light-headed, I couldn’t concentrate, and I began to get very flustered. I was having a panic attack.
The team Doctor took me aside to figure out what was wrong.
I went to my Dad and I almost gave up, asked to go home. He told me about how much he knew I wanted this, how much of a waste it would have been just to go home... how much I would regret just giving up and not trying.
So, I went back out there and gave it my all and completed day 1.
That night I got the long-awaited email, I was invited for day 2!
Day 2 began better, I relaxed into the group of girls I was playing with. We went for lunch and were supposed to play a game in the afternoon. When the time came, we did some tackling practice beforehand, but a tackle sent me into one of the worst panic attacks I’ve experienced – this cut my day short. I realised, stress was holding me back and affecting activities and things that should be positive for me.
Throughout the weekend, I had talks with the coaches who told me I had so much potential and that I should have a place on that team. I had the pleasure of talking to former Scotland Ladies coach, who pulled me aside during one of the drills – he told me I was a natural rugby player, that I needed to just be confident. I was told that there would be a place on that team (after some further fitness tests) for me once I had been to see a therapist and got my mind fit and healthy. I would say it was my mental health that ruined my chances of maybe one day playing international rugby, but it was myself.
My Dad organised for me to see a therapist when we were home. This therapist was a former royal marine who specialised in therapy for people who had suffered PTSD. I’m not sure how long we spoke for, but it was probably the one time I had completely opened to someone about everything. I spent a good bit crying, a good bit laughing and a good bit listening to this wonderful man’s wisdom. Part of the session was about doing CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy). He gave me some coping mechanisms which did help for a while, but I fell out of the pattern and went back to my old ways. I was supposed to arrange another session and let him know how I was getting on, but I never did. I regret not going back because I still struggle so bad with my mental health.
I went to the Doctors for help, but they didn’t want to put me on medication to begin with as sometimes it can make it worse, but one Doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant, which was to help me sleep. I told everyone that this was for my sciatica as it can be used for that too, as I couldn’t face the stigma associated with it.
Like a lot of people, I have struggled with my mental health over the lockdowns and throughout this pandemic. These past 4 months have been the hardest. I always struggle at Christmas time, as my Granda died on the 28th of December, but this time it was so much worse. I can’t say that I haven’t felt happiness over this time, as I have, but the sadness and the bad feelings have been much more overpowering. I spent a good part of the last 4 months thinking about life if I wasn’t here. These feelings are horrible, the feeling of hopelessness, the hurt you feel in your chest as if someone is ripping your heart out.
Something I didn’t think I would ever have wanted to talk about, that I now realise I do need to talk about, is what happened in these past few months.
I had an abortion.
Some people won’t understand that it has been so sad and upsetting because they’ve never been in the exact position I have been.
Some people may think “well you can’t be upset or be sad, grieving or depressed because you chose to get rid of it”.
This wasn’t the case and it took me by surprise afterwards.
Having something grow inside you, the changes that happen to your body, the hormones that make you feel different, for all that to disappear is something I cannot explain.
The experience of it feels like the worst thing I have ever had to go through; it was harder than grieving for my Granda.
I cry every single day. Lying in bed, face all blotchy and swollen from the tears, the strain from crying so hard, the feeling like your heart has shattered into a million pieces, the guilt, the feeling of not thinking that it’ll ever get better, that you’ll never be happy again. The thoughts of being judged by anyone who found out, the burden of keeping it a secret. But then I realised that its my story to tell, the only person it is going to hurt is me, and now I realise I can handle that. I realise that it is harder to keep it from everyone, when anyone asks how I am I want to tell them, you know what, I feel like rubbish, and explain why but I just tell everyone I’m okay, when I’m clearly not.
Just after all this happened, my mum got hit by a car.
This experience was horrible too. The anxiety and panic you feel when you hear this cause everything to spiral again.
A lot of people’s stories finish on a good note, but unfortunately this one hasn’t yet. I am at my worst point, but the only thing I need to keep going is those who love and support me – family, friends, my cats. I just need to remember that everything will come alright, maybe in the next few weeks, it could be months or even years.
]]>When was the last time you ran into a wild bear? Remember the last time you faced a pack of angry wolves? You don’t? Okay, so why do you feel like you’re constantly amped up and on edge, ready to flee?
The answer might surprise you.
It all comes down to something that you would be thankful for if you ever actually do come face to face with a grizzly bear but something that isn’t helpful in our everyday lives.
I am talking about your fight flight freeze response. Fight flight freeze response is a built in evolutionary process which prompts your body to leap into action when faced with perceived danger. When faced with this perceived danger, your body releases the hormones cortisol and adrenaline; prompting your heart rate to increase, your breathing to become faster and your temperature to drop; amongst a plethora of other unconscious responses. Essentially, your body puts all of its non urgent processes like digestion and repair on the backburner while it deals with the huge threatening bear in front of you. These are just a few examples of how your body tries to prepare you to fight the bear, run from the bear (take flight) or freeze so perhaps he won't notice you.
However, the problem for many of us is that our nervous systems are behaving as if we are continually trying to outrun a giant bear and this is harmful because... you cannot actually outrun a fictitious bear. Over time, when this response is triggered over and over again by the daily stressors of life, our body is constantly in a fight flight freeze state which leads to exhaustion, burnout and chronic illness.
You can, however, help your nervous system to return to a neutral state by gently reminding your body that you’re not in need of this drastic response. Follow the steps below to calm your nervous system and body:
Breathing - How about next time you feel panicked, trying some deep breathing? Find a comfortable place to sit. Exhale all of your old air and then breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts and breath out for four counts. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. You might want to focus on slowly and gently filling up your lungs and expanding your belly. Do this for seven or eight rounds and see if you can feel a difference in your body.
Meditation - this word can evoke fear and confusion in some people but the good news is, there truly is no right or wrong way to meditate. Try placing one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest while you notice your breath. You could see if you can notice the rhythm, depth and pace of your breath as you inhale and exhale. Often this is enough to turn your focus inward. In an eight week Harvard University study, physician Dr Herbert Benson found that meditation was the key to eliciting the body’s “relaxation response”. By simultaneously activating the parasympathetic nervous system, which is our body’s rest and digest system (the one which is put onto the back burner when we are in fight or flight mode) and deactivating our "fight or flight" stress mode, mediation was proven to reduce anxiety. There are many wonderful free apps and YouTube videos available if you’d like to explore meditation in a little more depth.
Cardiovascular exercise - exercise has been proven to reduce the levels of the body's stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Working out also stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain that are the body's natural painkillers and mood elevators.
Yoga - you could say that yoga encompasses all of the above. In yoga we use conscious breath, we meditate and break a sweat. Additionally when we are in fight flight freeze mode we tend to clench our muscles, ready for action but moving through a few simple yoga stretches can help you to release some of that tension, from the outside in.
So, perhaps now with this understanding you can allow yourself a little more compassion and reassurance next time your fight flight freeze response leaps into action. Maybe you can thank your body for trying to step in and help while using these techniques to let your body know that you’ve got it covered.
Find out more about Yas and her great work here: Yas Harvey (@yasharvey_lifeandyoga) • Instagram photos and videos
“Anxiety comes in all types of guises. An inspirational story of strength and courage written by one of the strongest women that makes me stronger every day!” - ‘John Hester’.
Anxiety - My story by Lyndsey Hester:
The Doctor was updating the family in the waiting room after my Sister was taken into intensive care. I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet and ran through to it shaking and sweating and not realising what was happening. I know now that was my first proper panic attack.
That was 14 years ago and I’ve had many since then, all feeling different in many ways but with the typical symptoms. Upset stomach, sweating, heart pumping hard and trying to rip out of my chest, breathing heavily, crying, feeling very flushed, hot and feeling such fear.
Why do people have panic attacks?
About a third of people have one in their lifetime but most of them don’t have a panic disorder. A panic attack is an intense wave of fear characterised by its unexpectedness and debilitating, immobilizing intensity. Your heart pounds, you can’t breathe, and you may feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Panic attacks often strike out of the blue, without any warning, and sometimes with no clear trigger. They may even occur when you’re relaxed or asleep.
A panic attack may be a one-time occurrence, although many people experience repeat episodes. Recurrent panic attacks are often triggered by a specific situation, such as crossing a bridge or speaking in public—especially if that situation has caused a panic attack before. Usually, the panic-inducing situation is one in which you feel endangered and unable to escape, triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response.
You may experience one or more panic attacks, yet be otherwise perfectly happy and healthy. Or your panic attacks may occur as part of another disorder, such as panic disorder, social phobia or depression.
The same year I had that first panic attack I started getting treatment for anxiety and panic disorder. I didn’t Know much about Mental Health then and for the first couple of years I didn’t know how to deal with it. I actually thought I was dying and the Doctors weren’t taken me seriously, I would ring them most days for reassurance but the dose on my medication just kept getting changed. The first medication I took had really horrible side effects and didn’t actually work well for me, I thought I was going crazy. Eventually I was given a medication that suited me better and I had to start the hard work of trying to get back to some normality. I had a young family and I hadn’t left the house in nearly two years.
So I took small steps - literally like just to the car and back or around a few set of houses. With therapy, medication and understanding Mental health better I managed to do more of the normal things again.
Would you believe in the 14 years of having a panic disorder some of the things I have managed to do has included:
And I have also had to deal with:
These are just some of the things I’ve experienced over the years but I think the point I’m trying to make is that Mental Health problems don’t define who you are. They are something you experience. Yes I have a panic disorder, yes I still have to take medication and work on myself daily, yes some days I don’t want to get out of bed but some days I get out of bed and absolutely smash that day.
If I could tell myself anything from those early days it would be that “your going to face tougher days then you are now but your going to be ok”.
I’m writing this because more people need to hear that they are not alone, that their struggles are real but they too will be ok maybe not today but one day.
Whether you're concerned about yourself or a loved one, these mental health charities, organisations and support groups can offer expert advice.
Whether you're concerned about yourself or a loved one, these mental health charities, organisations and support groups can offer expert advice.
Information courtesy of NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
Urgent help in a crisis
If you need help during a mental health crisis or emergency, NHS urgent mental health helplines provide:
Find a local NHS urgent mental health helpline
A to Z
Anxiety UK
Charity providing support if you have been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.
Phone: 03444 775 774 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5.30pm)
Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk
Bipolar UK
A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk
CALM
CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15 to 35.
Phone: 0800 58 58 58 (daily, 5pm to midnight)
Website: www.thecalmzone.net
Men's Health Forum
24/7 stress support for men by text, chat and email.
Website: www.menshealthforum.org.uk
Mental Health Foundation
Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk
Mind
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm)
Website: www.mind.org.uk
No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Offers a course to help overcome your phobia or OCD.
Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am to 10pm). Calls cost 5p per minute plus your phone provider's Access Charge
Website: www.nopanic.org.uk
OCD Action
Support for people with OCD. Includes information on treatment and online resources.
Phone: 0845 390 6232 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5pm). Calls cost 5p per minute plus your phone provider's Access Charge
Website: www.ocdaction.org.uk
OCD UK
A charity run by people with OCD, for people with OCD. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0333 212 7890 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm)
Website: www.ocduk.org
PAPYRUS
Young suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm and 7pm to 10pm, and 2pm to 5pm on weekends)
Website: www.papyrus-uk.org
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
SANE
Emotional support, information and guidance for people affected by mental illness, their families and carers.
Textcare: comfort and care via text message, sent when the person needs it most: www.sane.org.uk/textcare
Peer support forum: www.sane.org.uk/supportforum
Website: www.sane.org.uk/support
YoungMinds
Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: Parents' helpline 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm)
Website: www.youngminds.org.uk
Abuse (child, sexual, domestic violence)
NSPCC
Children's charity dedicated to ending child abuse and child cruelty.
Phone: 0800 1111 for Childline for children (24-hour helpline)
0808 800 5000 for adults concerned about a child (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
Refuge
Advice on dealing with domestic violence.
Phone: 0808 2000 247 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.refuge.org.uk
Alcohol misuse
Alcoholics Anonymous
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme involves getting sober with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 0800 917 7650 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk
Al-Anon
Al-Anon is a free self-help “12 step” group for anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else's drinking
Phone: 0800 0086 811 (daily, 10am to 10pm)
Website: https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
Drinkline
A free confidential helpline for people worried about their own or someone else's drinking.
Phone: 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm)
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
National Association for Children of Alcoholics offers free confidential advice and information to everyone affected by a parent’s drinking including children, adults and professionals.
Phone: 0800 358 3456 (Friday, Saturday and Monday 12pm to 7pm and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday 12pm to 9pm)
Website: https://www.nacoa.org.uk/
SMART Recovery UK
SMART Recovery UK face-to-face and online groups help people decide whether they have a problem with alcohol and drugs, build up their motivation to change, and offer a set of proven tools and techniques to support recovery.
Phone: 0330 053 6022 for general enquiries about SMART Recovery UK (9am to 5pm, Monday-Friday)
Website: https://smartrecovery.org.uk/
Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's Society
Provides information on dementia, including factsheets and helplines.
Phone: 0300 222 1122 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm and 10am to 4pm on weekends)
Website: www.alzheimers.org.uk
Bereavement
Cruse Bereavement Care
Phone: 0808 808 1677 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm)
Website: www.cruse.org.uk
Crime victims
Rape Crisis
To find your local services phone: 0808 802 9999 (daily, 12pm to 2.30pm and 7pm to 9.30pm)
Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk
Victim Support
Phone: 0808 168 9111 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Drug misuse
Cocaine Anonymous
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme involves stopping using cocaine and all other mind-altering substances with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 0800 612 0225 (daily, 10am to 10pm)
Website: https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/
FRANK
Free, confidential information and advice about drugs, their effects and the law. FRANK's live chat service runs daily from 2pm to 6pm.
Phone: 0300 1236600 (24-hour helpline)
Text a question to: 82111
Website: https://www.talktofrank.com/
Marijuana Anonymous
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme involves stopping using marijuana with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 0300 124 0373 (callback service)
Website: http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org.uk/
Narcotics Anonymous
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme involves stopping using drugs with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 0300 999 1212 (daily, 10am to midnight)
Website: www.ukna.org
SMART Recovery UK
SMART Recovery UK face-to-face and online groups help people decide whether they have a problem with alcohol and drugs, build up their motivation to change, and offer a set of proven tools and techniques to support recovery.
Phone: 0330 053 6022 for general enquiries about SMART Recovery UK (9am to 5pm, Monday-Friday)
Website: https://smartrecovery.org.uk/
Eating disorders
Beat
Phone: 0808 801 0677 (adults) or 0808 801 0711 (for under-18s)
Website: www.b-eat.co.uk
Gambling
Gamblers Anonymous
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme involves stopping gambling with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 0330 094 0322 (24-hour)
Website: https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/
Gam-Anon
A free self-help group. Its "12 step" programme is for those affected by someone else’s gambling with the help of regular face-to-face and online support groups.
Phone: 08700 50 88 80
Website: www.gamanon.org.uk
National Gambling Helpline
Phone: 0808 8020 133 (daily, 8am to midnight)
Website: www.begambleaware.org
National Problem Gambling Clinic
A specialist NHS clinic for problem gamblers aged 13 and over.
Phone: 020 7381 7722 (callback)
Learning disabilities
Mencap
Charity working with people with a learning disability, their families and carers.
Phone: 0808 808 1111 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm)
Website: www.mencap.org.uk
Parenting
Family Lives
Advice on all aspects of parenting, including dealing with bullying.
Phone: 0808 800 2222 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm and Saturday to Sunday, 10am to 3pm)
Website: www.familylives.org.uk
Relationships
Relate
The UK's largest provider of relationship support.
Website: www.relate.org.uk
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